I have 4 days until my last exam. I also have less than 2 weeks left here in Groningen, and this idea births a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. Ziad, one of my good friends here, is headed back to France in the coming day. I will miss him incredibly, even though our time has been short. And all my other new friends, not for any other reason than that they are my real friends. They don't know my history, nor I theirs, they don't know my family, my social status, my families economic background. They just know me, and I know each of them, as a person. Its a rare and beautiful relationship.
Like Ziad, other people are talking about their travel plans. Im starting to look at flights for home. And as much as I hate Holland for its weather, hideous language, socialist agenda, and racist politicians, I also oddly love this place now. My house, my roommates, my horrible prison like room, the incredible beauty of a sunny day in Holland. Its Home.
So now I'm worried. Terrified to come back to my "real" home. What if my friends have changed? What if my new house isnt what I'm looking for? What if I dont graduate?
My God.
Is this how it always goes at the end of something good? Its like a machine that grinds to a sudden stop, only to allow you to realize it was finally working in the first place. And thats just the point- it works. Even if I return to Charleston and everything is gone to Hell, blows up in my face, upside down, or backward- it doesnt actually matter. Because if the teeth of the gears match once, they can certainly do it again.
It Works.
And that my beloved reader is why I am happy to return to the States and see what gears start to turn.
It's harder than I thought it would be. The going back. I leave at the end of the month too and I am nervous. It's hard to eat, hard to sleep.. how to go back to the plan? The plan that is exactly as you left it, when you are hardly the same as when you left. There's more uncertainty than I could have expected, more doubt. The machine, as you say, only works if we work with it. We are the ones who have to match our gears into it. And if we can't? Well, I guess we get the hell out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the good post. You're not alone. I'll get back to you about the camera in a little while.
My friend, you have a second home now. All of us, your new friends, not knowing your life in the states will be happy to see you again. escaping pastel hell for a while, visiting us.
ReplyDeletetake care waschbär!
jette